A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
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Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Weirdly Wednesday.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Why do meteors always land in craters?
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER