A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
