A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
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I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.