Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.

Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?

9: what?

Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?

9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!

Me: are you nervous?

9: stop!!!

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

What’sApp

Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …

*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*

Mom: Fish, honey!

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.

Hank is one in a melon.

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.