A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
You Might Also Like
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers