“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
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If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
good morning
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.