“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
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if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.