“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
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I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
When you put it that way… 😂
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.