“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
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Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
This is a sub tweet
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Knock Knock
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.