A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
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shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
From my Mom
just make the entire table out of coaster
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?