Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin

(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

✌️

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.