Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

I think the cat got the dog high.

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

step 6: release the wall snake

A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support