A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
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professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
this has to be peak English
Come back with a warrant
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.