A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
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Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no