Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…

I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

Me: Please take my kids for a little bit

School: lol snow

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*

London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

✨☝️✨

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”