me: give that girl over there a drink on me. my usual
bartender: ok [hands her a drink]
her: *giving the glass of milk back to him* no
A car gets better traction in the snow if you throw a couple of coworkers in the trunk.
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Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Seems clear enough
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I cheated on my drug test, with a younger, more attractive drug test.
It’s not like I can let everyone on facebook know that I am actually a sexually deprived, unshaven, drunken mess.
So I tell everyone here.
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this