It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
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if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward