@PeaceInTruth1

A car gets better traction in the snow if you throw a couple of coworkers in the trunk.

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@OnlinePenguin_

me: give that girl over there a drink on me. my usual

bartender: ok [hands her a drink]

her: *giving the glass of milk back to him* no

@longwall26

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

@joshraclaw

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

@Sanbel11

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

@WheelTod

I cheated on my drug test, with a younger, more attractive drug test.

@Talkative_Julie

It’s not like I can let everyone on facebook know that I am actually a sexually deprived, unshaven, drunken mess.

So I tell everyone here.

@thombodytolove

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this