A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
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#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*