a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
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Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I put the I in Insufferable.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I enjoy a good short stor
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.