a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
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“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Bond. Trauma bond.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.