a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
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*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
can’t catch a break
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you