a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
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I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.