Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

“That’s what” – She

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”

~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.