“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
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Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️