Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

Jupiter

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

Why is no one talking about this?!

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.