Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…still more neck…

…neck…

…it’s a giraffe!”

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

thank god

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!