A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
You Might Also Like
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
adam and eve had first world problems
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.