A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
You Might Also Like
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
Skip intro
I’m ready for Halloween this year
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.