A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
You Might Also Like
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.