Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

Sharon, call the vet

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war