Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

biblically accurate fire hydrant

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

[watching Jaws]

Me: Which ones Jaws

Girlfriend: Who do u think?

Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty