Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion