A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
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Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself