Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?