Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

Just a reminder, folks:

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

get you a girl who

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

This is what makes twitter great

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

Alexa; make it look like an accident

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this