A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
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Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Tastes like chicken.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch