A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
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There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks