A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
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No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!