Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol

me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.