a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
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We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet