Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: where were u between 7 and 8

me: third grade? idk

Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

mmm onion ringos

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters