A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
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Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.