Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

*gf making spaghetti*

Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?

Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!

Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.