Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.