A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
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One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.