Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.