I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
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Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”