A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
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20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
Mistakes were made
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
