Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….

now tell me, Are you one of Them?

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*