A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
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Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Breaking news:
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes