A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
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We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
