Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.