A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
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what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.