A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
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May have had one breakfast too many
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist