A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
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On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Mission: Impossible
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
😂😂
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure