A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
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He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa, she said ‘Let’s take this upstairs.’
I replied, ‘OK, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.’
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Lmao the reply
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.