[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
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As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.