Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

i was baptized in a car wash

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

I’m a bad influence on myself.

My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen

– Tom Hanks, probably

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’