[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
You Might Also Like
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.