[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
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THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Dudes named Chance never had one.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.