[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
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Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean