A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
