a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
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Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.