a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
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Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.