Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

Huge, if true.

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

😂😂

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.