Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

This trial is so absurd 😭

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

sure we’re surviving 2019

but at what cost

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

BETRAYAL