*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
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I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
A French press is when you hug naked
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Carpe DM
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.