A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
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Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Broom by every window for quick escape.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I feel attacked.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.