A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
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If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.