Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

Baking is just science you can eat.

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

A drum solo but on your face.

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

*listening to music at the beach*

6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?

Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.

6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.

Me: That is correct, yes.

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha