A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
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I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
*checks Timeline*…
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”