Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

HOW DARE YOU

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.