Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

My dog ate my work from home.

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

Roses are red
Violets are blue

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.