Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

Jesus Christ lmao

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?

Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?